Resistance and Its Impact

So often in life, we unconsciously resist a part of our experience, whether it have to do with a relationship, a project we are expected to complete, an expectation others (or we) have of ourselves, or some other challenge.  We frequently do not “see” what is happening but the tip-off comes from the emotions rising within us, which often take the form of feelings of discomfort, unease, or misalignment between what we want and what we feel pressured to do. 

If we take the time to explore where these emotions are originating from, we inevitably find they are due to our resisting, or pushing against, a part of our reality.  Our work then is to first become aware of this resistance and its likely source, and then arrive at a deeper state of acceptance of that which we have been pushing against.   As all is connected in our lives, when we are in resistance in any one area of our life, it puts us at odds with life more generally.  Thus, it is imperative we seek to resolve this state of misalignment in order to experience the freedom we so dearly want. 

The Practice of Acceptance — “What Would Acceptance Look Like for Me Here?”

 We can do this by exploring what it would mean for us to accept the situation as it is by asking such questions as, “What would acceptance look like for me here?” or “What if I stopped pushing and just allowed what is to be?”  Another option: “What if I were able to see this situation as neutral and understand I am placing all the weight on it by judging its value?”  Of course, these questions only start the inquiry.  This work can be a process and it can take time to fully accept what is depending on how deeply entangled we are with it, so a state of curiosity and compassion for oneself is required here. 

 Once we do mentally accept our reality, our work is not over; we must also feel this state of acceptance deeply within us.  Breathing into our feelings, allowing ourselves to fully feel and ACCEPT them, and then, when we are ready, choosing a more conscious perspective is the work here. With this process, it is key to allow what we feel to be as it is and NOT attempt to change anything. This is the crux of the process. When we actually allow what is to be as it is, even when it is judgment of ourselves, we are interrupting the pattern and consequently space is created in the place that was previously occupied by the continuous loop of judgement/resistance.

The Power of Acceptance

 When we are able to truly *feel* acceptance, we are on our way to liberation:  When we automatically experience a greater sense of space, a heaviness that previously dominated is lifted and replaced with a burgeoning state of expansiveness.  This state of deeper acceptance reveals possibilities that weren’t apparent before and enables us to move forward more consciously and with much greater confidence to choose the action that is truly right for us given who we are and what we want.  This is true freedom.

 While this practice may be simple in concept, it does take effort to learn the subtleties of this art.  However, with a bit of practice comes great rewards.  When we master it, we learn that ultimately, we have the power to define our reality in relation to anything happening in our lives and that this is where true freedom is found.  And it can all start with asking ourselves the fundamental question:  What would acceptance look like for me here?

Time management is a topic that can be particularly vexing. With so many demands on our time coming from every known corner of the universe, we can find ourselves on the proverbial hamster wheel of life not knowing how to exit. While I definitely don't consider myself a time management guru by any means (quite honestly, I feel like I can use some help with this topic as well at times), I have found what has proven to be a very helpful approach for both myself and my clients, and it comes down to our deepening the connection to what is truly important to us and having the courage to pursue it. 

While much can be written about what our relationship with time means in relation to our current experience, I want to make this article as practical and helpful as possible. And what I am about to share with you has been a true game changer for me and for several of my clients.  When I actually practice this approach (it’s more difficult to actually commit to do this than it is to actually do it), I am inevitably able to resolve whatever conflict I had been feeling related to doing what I need to do in the time I have to do it, get the things done that I need to get done, AND feel good about it along the way.

Becoming Truly Aware of the Struggle Within

But before I get into the nuts and bolts of this method, I believe it is important to share my perspective on what’s underlying all of our struggles with time because, as with all things, the deeper one goes in working on oneself, and the more one is able to challenge long-held orthodoxy, the greater and more sustainable is the progress that can be made. As I see it, the crux of the problem we experience in having too little time hinges on the nature of the relationship we have to time itself. 

While the topic of the nature of time and our relationship to it can be (and has been, literally for ages) expounded upon in much depth and with greater lucidity than what I can provide here, I believe it is important to consider the deeper implications of the challenge we have with time before describing one way to navigate this minefield. In order for us to have any success in the long term with “managing time”, we need to flip our relationship with it in the here-and-now. 

The way we talk about time is representative of our relationship to it and for me it can call to mind the image of a man wrestling an alligator, with the man hanging on for dear life as the alligator’s tail violently flops to and fro. “I must manage my time better” or “I cannot waste time” or “I only have so much time” all represent this inner struggle that is a part of our cultural programming.  It is obvious to us that when we step back and think about it, if we choose to fight this battle with time, it cannot be won, but we choose to go on and fight it just the same because we just don’t know any other way. Exactly because we can never add any more hours to the day, we must change our relationship to time in order to feel in greater harmony with it and, by extension, to life itself.

To get out of this fight, we must at first be aware we are in it. How much stress do we feel as we go from task to task, activity to activity, without being mindful of the inner script that is driving both our actions and how we feel about them (not to mention how we feel about the fact we have to do them in the first place)?

Next time you become conscious of a state of franticness or the feeling of a lack of time, take a step back and sense inside of you what is happening. To do this, it is helpful to tune into your body in the moment and notice your heart rate, your breathing pattern, and any other noticeable sensations that can be felt. With your focus thus placed, you can now tune into what’s really driving your experience. Similar to the code that runs a software program, we all have scripts that, at least to some degree, are running how we approach life but which we are often not aware of. As you take a step back, what scripts do you notice? Are they helping or hindering your well-being and your ability to accomplish what matters to you?

For me, the script that often runs in my head is, “I just don’t have enough time,” and I feel a general sensation of stress and nervousness that cannot be attributed to any other source other than the perception that I just don’t have enough time. It is helpful to understand how big this realization is to this process.  Which script has been dominant for you in coloring your relationship with time? How has this script been working in the background of your life, causing unconscious reactions that have led to your not being at your best while possibly even impacting how people close to you have experienced you?  To finally be aware of this script is no small accomplishment and is integral to improving this experience.

The Importance of Reframing

But, of course, our work is just getting started, and just being aware is insufficient to changing. The next step is to replace this script by reframing it.  Reframing is a simple but powerful method to gain back our power over the unhelpful scripts that are running on our heads. In my life, I have had great success with reframing “I just don’t have enough time” to  “I have the time I need to do what needs to be done.” Inevitably, this reframe effectively shifts my locus of control from outside of myself to inside, in effect shifting the power base from this amorphous concept of “time” to the concrete one of “me.” And this shift in power can be HUGE for us, whether it be in this context, or any other in our lives (see my article, Honoring Thyself and the Great Resignation, for another take on how important this process is at this particular period in our culture).

However, if we stop there, our work is half-done. While the reframe is essential to mastering our relationship with time, we need to get practical, especially when we have an important project deadline staring us in the face amidst other seemingly important requirements on our time. So, let’s get to the process itself that I have used with several of my clients to very positive effect. 

A Plan for the Day

Ideally, one will begin each week with this approach by looking out over an upcoming week’s worth of activity in order to understand what is required for the week to be considered a success. This is good form and fully recommended as it will alleviate many issues we find ourselves facing when we don’t plan our approach for the week ahead So, while the following is written from the standpoint of planning for a particular day, it is also fully applicable to one looking out over a given week. In fact, both are recommended as a complete process, but only one is presented here for the sake of simplicity.

The first step, and indeed, the foundation of this approach is to first understand one’s priorities. This is also a huge topic that has, more recently, occupied the focus of several books, especially in the business space (See “The One Thing,” by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan for an especially helpful approach to prioritization). While establishing priorities for oneself is essential work for any leader, and is in fact, a common conversation I have with my clients, the following approach greatly streamlines this process by only focusing on what the most important for a given day. 

Defining Success

So, the first question to answer is:

• What do I want to achieve today? Another way of putting it: What is most important I get done by the end of the day today in order to make this a successful (or, fully satisfying) day?

This question helps us drill into what’s truly important to make the day a successful one. It requires us to make a decision about what we are willing to hold ourselves accountable to and, in so doing, remove from our focus from that which is not as important or even superfluous. It helps us be clear about what is especially important in this particular moment in time and to be realistic about what is doable for the concrete period a day’s work covers. Also, it is important we identify what is most important to us: Is it a successful day or a satisfying one? A joyful day or a day well lived? You get the idea:  Use whatever idea that most resonates to you in order to create the most meaningful outcome to focus on.

The Power of Visualizing Success

The next step is a bit different than what we usually consider as we go about scheduling our time for a day, but it is essential in that it helps us connect the mental picture of what we want to achieve to the emotional resonance of the desired prospective experiences:

• What will it look and feel like to achieve these outcomes? Actually spend a few moments visualizing the successful completion of this day and feel as strongly as possible in those moments the anticipated emotional state.

The power of visualization is well-documented (see here and here). It can noticeably increase our energy and commitment to a desired end and thus lead us to take meaningful action. Using it in this context helps us deepen our connection to what our goals truly mean to us and to establish a visceral understanding of our desired outcomes for the day. In so doing, this practice helps us remove whatever blocks we may have to actually doing what we need to do to achieve our goals. We can also come back to this feeling again as needed to help reestablish our connection to those activities that will get us to where we want to go.

Identifying Specific Tasks and Activities

Then, we get into the actual work that is required to achieve our desired outcomes by asking this question:

• What tasks, activities, or efforts will be required to complete the desired outcomes?

Oftentimes we avoid thinking about what is actually required to accomplish what we want given how much work it seems it might take. The previous two steps enable us to get clear on a picture of success for this short timeframe, so now our work is to actually envision the tasks required to achieve our outcomes, and, again, it requires us to be realistic and on point about what actually is the work ahead for us.

Another aspect to this step relates to the concept of chunking out work, or splitting a big project into manageable chunks so that we can much more easily tackle what is required in the here-and-now to achieve our grandiose visions of success. There is much to be said about the effectiveness of chunking, and this step helps us effectively break our work down into its core segments.  

Assessing the Duration of Work Required

Now, on to the work to actually plan our day with our next question:

• How much time will it reasonably take (including breaks, distractions, etc.) to complete these tasks?

Answering this question accurately help us get granular about what is required for us to succeed in a given day. Importantly, we want to be realistic about how we typically get our work done by taking into account what else might take up our time. While most of us can improve on how focused we tend to be, the idea here is not to fight against how we do our work but to be as intentional as possible about what we want to achieve and to make choices about what we allow into our world and what we choose to leave out. 

For example, I enjoy a more fluid way of working and tend to jump between tasks depending on how much brain power and focus they each require. I also benefit from stepping away from the desk and taking a walk outside or at least getting some fresh air. When I envision my desired outcomes, then see the tasks that are required to accomplish them, I naturally make choices between the various options available to me. On some days, a walk is exactly what I plan for given what I need to accomplish and how much time I have, yet on others, I choose to move through the day without a walk but select instead another activity that will help me manage my energy and well-being, such as doing some stretching and mindful breathing. Making this decision enables me to manage my attention and my energy in ways that are generative and supportive of my well-being while allowing me the time it takes to get the necessary work done.

A Final Step: Planning the Day

Now, we can finally get to our calendar and actively plan the necessary activities we plotted out earlier. With the clarity we have gained in the inquiry we have established thus far, we can then ask our next question:

• As a result of how much time it will take me to do the activities necessary for me to accomplish my goal(s) for the day, what blocks are required on my calendar? How will I schedule my time to get the actual work done?

The aforementioned book, The One Thing, describes the concept of “time blocking” one’s calendar  to ensure the proper amount of time is set aside to allow for the necessary focus and momentum required to do the more creative work. I adapted this concept for this process. By putting our calendar together to assign our time to the work we need to do, including those activities that nurture our well-being and help to maintain our energy and attention, we are connecting the practical time considerations of the work itself while ensuring we have what we need to get our work done in as high a consciousness as possible.

One note on this step in the process is that we of course can be limited in how much we might be able to effect a given day’s schedule given what has already been placed on one’s calendar. Here is one place where a weekly practice makes a big difference as we will be better able to orient our schedule to maximally benefit the work we actually have to do throughout a week. However, the reality is that things do come up and there is a level of fluidity to our schedule, so a daily rendering of this calendar review practice is still worthwhile. 

For example, if as a result of our answers to the previous questions, we are clear that we will need 3 hours to accomplish an important piece of work, but we only really have 2 hours free, what else that is scheduled can be moved given a lower level of priority? What meetings are on our calendar just because someone placed it there without our active agreement that this is the best time for us to meet?  When we give ourselves permission to orient our calendar in ways that serve our needs, we regain power over a critical part of our life that is so important to our overall efficacy.

Finally, we come back to connecting once again with the emotional state we expect to experience with our outcomes accomplished:

• Once again, envision yourself completing these tasks and being fully successful by the end of the day. How does it feel? Feel into it once more.

I include a second feeling exercise to deepen the connection we have with the desired emotional state to help us remain dialed into the state of being we expect to experience upon achieving a successful day, a way to help us keep the end in mind as we navigate the inevitable ups and downs of the day.

A Practice for a Better Life

While it took a decent number of words (over 2500 at last count) to describe this approach, it really only takes 3-5 minutes to do this successfully at the beginning of each day. To sum up, here are the steps to complete in order to shift the balance of power back to yourself as it relates to our relationship with time:

Step 1: Become aware of any tension held within you, along with the script or belief causing the tension, related to the feeling that there is not enough time to do what needs to get done.

Step 2:  Make a conscious choice to reframe the internal script causing this tension to one reflecting greater harmony with time (e.g., Move from “There is not enough time to do all I have to do” to “I have all the time I need to do what is most important “).

Step 3: Define success for the day (or week) by identifying clear goals of what you want to achieve or get done.

Step 4: Visualize what the success you defined in Step 3 will actually look AND feel like.

Step 5: Identify the specific tasks and activities required to achieve success.

Step 6: Place on your calendar exactly when the work will get done. If necessary, make decisions about what can be moved if there is not enough time to complete the most important work.

Step 7: Once again, envision what success at the end of the day will look and feel like.

Step 8: Go about your day with greater confidence and clarity now that you have aligned your actual work with what’s most important to you!

Once this process is followed, the shift in perspective AND practice not only leads to a day that is likely to be much more productive and on task, but, not insignificantly, it leads to our feeling more in charge of our lives and ultimately more content with what we do accomplish. Furthermore, it helps us be aligned with what is important to us so we can better live a life of purpose and engagement. The result is a much better world for you and for those you impact in ways large and small.

By Jeff Balesh, PCC

Helping senior leaders and their teams stretch into who they want to be in order to deliver meaningful impact with confidence and heart

There is a sense of loss that I believe is particularly acute in today’s world, especially given the tremendous shifts currently taking place. 

We KNOW there is something greater within us and the changes happening around us provide us opportunities to catch glimpses of what that might be, but we still find ourselves tied to what has been.

So then, what do we do when we are lost in our work, from our work, from ourselves?  When we notice we aren’t getting the results we truly want and that working harder, faster, better leaves us back to the same place -- lost in a cacophony of meetings, deliverables, requirements, and objectives – with sparse connection to the sense of meaning or purpose that originally led us here in the first place?

I have had the pleasure of connecting deeply with leaders to help them navigate these challenges.  What follows is a description of a crucial part of the work that I have led my clients through to great success.  While there are steps to this process and milestones by which to gauge progress, this work is not necessarily linear and thus cannot be reduced to a “4-Step Process to Greatness.”  However, while each person is different and the conversations vary wildly, if the individual does the work, the end result is always reflective of growth and progression.  I have never worked with someone who truly committed themselves to the work who wasn’t deeply changed as a result of the process.

We must first be still and separate ourselves from the daily tumult.  With some distance, we then can examine the planned path ahead and ask in what ways it might still serve us and in what ways it might actually operate as a constrictive cloak that we continue to force-fit ourselves into even though we have outgrown its contours.  We might as a result feel a pressure not unlike that of a water balloon being squeezed at one end.  No wonder we feel “off,” disconnected at work, separate from ourselves and what matters to us.

This is the beginning of what I call “the work.”  I have led many clients through this process of connecting more deeply to where they are currently and connecting to what is true for them at their core.  This work many times requires us to challenge elements of our identity.  What might we be holding onto no longer serves us but instead ends up costing us in terms of well-being and effectiveness?  The answer to this question ultimately surfaces a decision or two (or three) to make that may have been avoiding, and it is not uncommon to bear the consequences of these unaddressed decisions in terms of emotional and/or physical pain and decreased performance in our professional and personal lives. 

This work calls us to wake up and pay attention to everything that we’ve given away in this quest for outer rewards that has led to our being disconnected from ourselves.  We must wake up to all of the games we have played to make ourselves feel safe and untouched, as well as to our creative gifts that are longing for expression.  If we are feeling grief or ongoing frustration in our work or in our workplace, we don’t know what’s underneath those emotions unless we fall into them.  In fact, the effective processing of one’s emotions is a core practice in this work.  I believe that being disconnected from our emotional realities is one of the critical dysfunctions of our age, one that leads to so much pain and suffering.

I help my clients navigate these uncharted waters by giving them the permission they have not chosen to give themselves, that of engaging in the conversation to confront uncomfortable realities, and coming to grips with the decisions that must be made if they are going to reset themselves on their path to greatness.  I help them realize what glories of their future might await them and help them chart a new path towards this greatness, which begins with the simple, but all-important connection to what’s inside.

Key Idea: Relying only on quantitative data limits our perspective of reality and is insufficient in leading teams and organizations to sustainably succeed.

 I recently read that there are around 2.5 quintillion (that is 2.5 followed by 18 zeros!) bytes of data collected each and every day, and this number continues to climb exponentially with no end in sight. A good portion of these data are collected by organizations to measure performance, track progress, and understand what is working and what is not. These data are of course important to knowing to what extent an organization is achieving its desired outcomes and are thus essential in achieving an understanding of its current reality.  However, if one’s goal is to lead a team or organization not only to achieve performance in the short-term but also to fully engage employees and to unleash a team’s full potential leading for long term performance, relying solely on that which can be quantified leaves out other layers of reality that play a key role in the quest for sustainable success.

 This thesis came to me as a result of some recent conversations with leaders of sales teams about what might be missing in their efforts to create the most engaging and successful environment for their teams. They of course had a set of tangible sales goals that their teams worked hard to achieve on a quarterly basis. But these leaders (and for one of them, his team as well) felt that something was missing, and they wanted to develop a greater sense of camaraderie and team belonging that can be so hard to cultivate in a group of striving sales people but that they saw as essential to creating a team climate that would enable everyone to do their best while learning and benefiting from each other’s expertise and wisdom. Creating this type of climate was essential, they felt, in order to collectively perform at the highest levels while navigating the ups and downs that inevitably are a part of any sales organization’s experience.

 My reply to both clients was the same and one I believe that holds a key to those who have the benefit of accessing quantitative data to describe how each person on a team is performing at any given time. My suggestion was to first reframe one’s perspective about measurement to see it as a method we use, especially at work, to define our reality. By this, I mean that our goals define our work to a real and significant extent. We have all heard the maxim, “what gets measured gets done,” so in a substantial way, our goals define what constitutes success for us. And, our vision of success is essential to our life experience as it defines what’s of utmost importance to us and thus in part comprises how we perceive our world and our place in it. We are constantly gauging where we are in relation to our goals so it stands to reason that how we define success is integral to how we feel about ourselves at any given time.

 How does this apply in an organizational setting? My contention is that there is much more going on that contributes to the long term health and viability of any business than that which is tracked by quantitative means. Thus, why would we want to restrict the picture of reality we hold as primary, and that we look to in order tell us how we are doing, to only those measures we can easily track quantitatively? While of course important, these measures offer a limited view of our world that leaves out many other elements that are necessary to understand if we truly want to know how we are doing in a more comprehensive and holistic way. What about aspects of work life that we know have an impact on our performance but which we do not typically bring into the conversation about it? Things like team climate, team and organizational health, and employee well-being are all relevant and important to longer term sustainability and performance, but they are typically not part of the conversation we have about how well our teams and organizations are performing.

 This perspective is particularly important if we are intent on building sustainably healthy and high performing teams and organizations, and this is especially true when quantitative measures reflect a volatility in performance, much of the time which is due to some inherent cyclicality to the business. Especially important to note here is that volatile performance will inextricably be linked with volatility in behavioral and emotional responses if only quantitative measures of performance are tracked and held as meaningful. If you have been connected with an organization that strongly reacts reflexively to any downward turn in numbers, you will have viscerally felt this relationship. My argument here is to balance out the short term performance data with a wider, more holistic view of what is going on that allows for a fuller interpretation of reality and that therefore more deeply connects to the totality of human experience at play in any given organization.

 Now, sales organizations (and others that have easy access to quantitative performance data) are fortunate that they can rely on data that gives up-to-the-minute portrayals of how it is doing. These data are meaningful but insufficient in terms of portraying what is happening. Two areas that are particularly important to access for data include process-oriented data as well as subjectively derived information, such as that related to team cohesion, the extent to which learning is taking place, and how much enjoyment is experienced by the team as it works individually and collectively towards its desired outcomes.

 Process-Oriented Data

As any investor and salesperson will tell you (and those in many other industries where an effective process is core to their work), success is all about having a repeatable, proven process that will succeed over the long term no matter the performance bumps that happen in the short term. Relying on a proven process is what helps successful individuals in these professions to navigate the inevitable downturns that come with the territory. Thus, knowing that process, executing it well, and tracking performance to process are all integral to an organization’s success.

Subjective Data

Remembering the thesis that measurement significantly informs our portrayal of our reality, both process- and outcome-oriented data are insufficient descriptors of that reality if we are interested in building long-standing, sustainable organizations. What is missing are the team members’ relationship to the work and to each other, both of which have an impact on performance, how much discretionary effort is applied to the work, and overall how much an individual’s contribution can be counted on day-in and day-out over a longer period of time. 

 What kind of qualitative data? It depends on a team’s goals and what’s most important, but I recommend that at least some of these data are team-health focused. For one of my clients, he wanted to create a thriving team culture where people learned from each other and where colleagues reached out openly for help and had their requests met quickly and effectively. He wanted to see the climate develop so that there was more to the work experience than just individuals selling to make their numbers, but instead felt connected to a larger whole and a more meaningful purpose. My response to him was to first pull the team together to discuss what would kind of climate they wanted to create together by asking such questions as:

• What would it feel like to be a member of a team that succeeds? 

• What else is important to describe what success would look like, both individually and collectively, beyond the numbers we normally track? If we attained this success, what would we be doing together? How would we feel when interacting together?

• What kinds of topics would be important for us to discuss if we are to learn from each other?

• How would we be interacting if we were to truly enjoy working and meeting together? What would we focus on and be talking about as a team?

• How would we know when the team is on track in creating the desired climate? Off track? What might we do when we are off track?

 Answers to these questions and others like these will help to frame what goals to include when constructing what will comprise the picture of team health. Once a more comprehensive picture of success is arrived at, then one can begin the process of figuring out how to measure these other parameters. It is likely that measurement would include some sort of team survey or check-in, and for these efforts to be successful, there will have to be a degree of psychological safety in the system itself, which is created and nurtured by both the intentions and actions of the leader as well as the team members themselves. While outside the purview of this article, having the conversation suggested here to describe and determine how to track a more holistic definition of success will significantly contribute to establishing this type of climate, especially for a leader who is taking over responsibility for a team or building a team anew.

Conclusion

Quantitative results are of course essential to managing any team or organization, but they are insufficient on their own when considering how to describe success as fully and comprehensively as possible. The truth is that there are other layers of reality in play that help to define the collective experience and thus explain the performance of each individual on the team and the team overall.   Why not actively bring these other layers of reality into consideration so one can access the power that comes from focusing on a more holistic view of what is happening? By incorporating multiple dimensions of reality into the ongoing conversation about success, leaders can help create a climate where a more complete human experience is seen as integral to what is important, thus connecting more deeply to what really is going on when the boss isn’t looking.

The Big Question: 

Are we now waking up and choosing to make decisions about our jobs and careers that finally honor ourselves first before anything else?

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 4 million Americans quit their jobs in July 2021 and a series high of 10.9 million jobs were open at the end of that month. This has been termed by Professor Anthony Klotz as The Great Resignation.  While there are certainly many potential explanations to explain this phenomenon, given what I have noticed in coaching several clients over the past 18 months, my belief is that there is a deeper root cause at play, and that has to do with people finally waking up to the fact that they have lost connection to themselves and what is truly important to them. The COVID-19 pandemic has given us an opportunity to become aware of this loss of connection by providing the space to examine what is truly important in our lives and to make choices according to the paradigm based on these truths rather than on one chosen by an employer, a partner, or some other outside entity affecting our life.

If my belief has any truth to it, then it stands to reason that many of those who have chosen a different career direction have done so in order to regain a deeper connection to self. As with any issue like this one, it is imperative we understand why this issue exists in the first place in order to consciously avoid repeating the pattern in the future. This is of course a deep issue with many tentacles to explore. But one that I have found particularly prevalent in several of my coaching clients recently is that of choosing to honor ourselves first in the decisions we make in our lives.

This is essential work for all of us, but especially for leaders who are driven to serve those they lead in order to build high performing teams and organizations. As one of my clients said to me recently in relation to her pursuit of self-mastery as she develops her leadership capability: “Half of all my relationships is me,” so working on knowing what is important to her and then honoring that is of the utmost importance if she is to improve her ability to work with and lead others. 

I offer a couple of simple examples to illustrate this pattern, one personal and one professional:

1. You are the kind of person who tends to be open to whatever restaurant your friends choose, making no particular desires known, only that you are okay with what the rest of the group chooses. At some point, you become aware of the fact that the group never chooses a great Indian restaurant you would love to go to and you start to blame yourself for not standing up and advocating for your desire, and a feeling of resentment causes you to decline the next opportunity to go out to eat.

2. At work, you want to be the best team player possible and to show you are “all in” in terms of working towards the noble vision that guides the work. It is typical for your boss to ask you to take on an additional responsibility to have you and your team work a bit harder to accomplish. You keep saying “yes” to demonstrate how committed you are to providing the leadership to achieve the desired goal. After the latest request you agreed to, a couple members of your team start to grouse about having poor balance between work and life, which causes you to start to pay attention to how you actually feel, and you become aware of a sense of physical and mental depletion.

The Pattern

This “losing track of one's needs in order to serve others” pattern is rooted in choices we make to forget who we are and what we stand for to instead please others. I realize this may be controversial to some and I don’t want this to be construed as advocacy for selfish behavior that is, at its root, not representative of deeper connection to self but rather borne out of fear and a sense of lack. While the behavior displayed may vastly differ, I believe the “losing oneself” pattern is the flip side to the selfishness coin in that they both represent a disconnection to self and the feeling of an underlying sense of lack. 

In other words, when we choose to prioritize another first before honoring ourselves, we operate out of a core assumption that life is a zero sum game: If I honor myself first, it means I am cheating others out of the service they need from me. As a result, our actions, while potentially beneficial to others, can leave us feeling depleted. Thus, they are not filled with the essence of service that is truly generative and life affirming. 

As such, the impact one one’s life when we please others is the same as when we selfishly prioritize ourselves: further disconnection to one’s core and a misalignment between one’s actions and what provides nourishment to the individual.  Unfortunately, this pattern is likely harder to figure out given that the outward behavior is seen as noble and thus likely reinforced by others in ways that enhance the likelihood of similar choices being made in the future. It also can take a while for the impact to truly be felt by the individual practicing it.

What seems to occur, though, after engaging in this pattern for a long enough time is a nagging sense that all is not well, that we are missing out on something that is core to who we are, and, outwardly, whatever results we do gain seem to come with fleeting satisfaction rather than enduring contentment. Life will demonstrate this misalignment to us through emotions that may cause suffering, and, if we are really not paying close enough attention, through physical manifestations of dis-ease. 

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Our Work

The solution? Paying attention to the decisions we make and asking ourselves the question for any decision where we have skin in the game:  In what way does this decision honor who I am at my core? 

SO: At the end of each day, reflect upon the decisions you have made and ask yourself:  In what ways did I truly honor myself in the choices I have made? In what ways did I not?  With whatever consequential decisions I did make, how do they truly contribute to the betterment of all, including myself? Ultimately, we must get clear on whether the good of the whole is served if we do not honor ourselves first.

One note on this practice: Again, I believe one reason why this problem is so prevalent is that we are taught that focusing on self is inherently selfish and so we must work towards the benefit of others in all we do. We of course need to be connected to and work towards the greater benefit. However, and this is the key point, in order to be truly successful in working towards a larger good while realizing our full potential, WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES FIRST.  

I put that in all caps because it is that important. Any outward act of giving, if not sourced from an internal love, is not going to have the impact it otherwise would have. Self-love is the root of all good in my estimation, and one place from which we can build our capacity for self-love is to ask ourselves each day, how did I honor myself in the choices I have made?

Jeff Balesh, PCC

Helping visionary leaders deliver impact by awakening to their power and being more present to their world

I would love to hear from you, especially (1) if you have chosen to honor yourself in a deeper way over the last year, or (2) if you do not agree with any part of this post. Any thoughtful perspective is much appreciated as I seek to deepen my practice in serving my clients to the fullest extent possible!

“Stand still. The trees ahead of you and the bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or branch does is truly lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.”

— Lost, by David Wagoner

I have often thought of leadership as a labor of love.  This is true for leaders in all walks of life, including in one’s family, but my particular expertise is in the organizational realm so my thoughts here specifically are directed towards leaders in companies and organizations of all types, although I am sure they can be applied in any other leadership context as well.  While “labor” connotes work, and work in and of itself is oftentimes not pleasurable, the “love” part of this equation transmutes an experience that otherwise can be devoid of satisfaction to that which has deep meaning and can serve to connect us to others and our world in deep and profound ways.

Over the years, I have observed within myself and in others with whom I have worked that it can be particularly difficult to experience the “love” part of the alchemy that can turn a potentially mundane activity into something deeply meaningful.  Without this integral aspect, we can find ourselves prostituting our time and effort for material gain without the depth of meaning that we need to truly prosper and thrive as human beings.

When I look back on my career, this has been a particularly acute aspect that has been peppered throughout my experience spanning many years.  Thankfully, I have had deep connection to the people whom and I have coached, consulted to, and worked with, and I have experienced profound growth, and joy in that growth, along with them.  These experiences have taught me that there is “gold in them thar hills,” even though it doesn’t happen all the time, or even as frequently as I would like.  But to know that the possibility is there is oftentimes enough to keep building the capacity to experience this result ever more frequently.

While I have been “successful” and have consequently accrued the outward signs of that success – e.g., money, reputation, status – a belief that has operated underneath my conscious understanding of reality is that it all has come with a price.  “Accomplishing success is great but there is a trade-off that occurs that requires paying for that success with one’s well-being” describes this particularly powerful aspect of my belief system that has surfaced over the years.  To replace this belief with another, more expansive and life-affirming one has been one of the areas of focus for my personal development efforts.

Given my personal work in this area, I am particularly attuned to seeing it in others.  Thus, in my work with leaders, I have often been surprised with the willingness with which this tradeoff is made.  So many of them have made the choice – conscious or not – that this tradeoff is required to achieve their career destiny.  This bargain results in a seemingly continuous struggle to stay motivated, do the right thing, be the leader they want to be, all while managing the bombardment of expectations, requests, obligations, etc.  The resulting disconnection with what truly matters in their work lives has implications that go far beyond just the workplace, potentially extending to their sense of identity and meaning, making this Faustian bargain potentially very scary indeed. 

Thus, there is a sense of loss that I believe is particularly acute in today’s world, especially given the tremendous shifts currently taking place.  We KNOW there is something greater in us and the changes happening around us are providing us opportunities to catch glimpses of what that might be, although we find ourselves still tied to what has been.

So then, what do we do when we are lost in our work, from our work, from ourselves?  When we notice we aren’t getting the results we want and that working harder, faster, better leaves us back to the same place we started, lost in the middle of a cacophony of meetings, deliverables, requirements, matrices, objectives – losing connection to any sense of meaning or purpose that originally led us here in the first place?
When we are truly “lost,” what must we do?  We must let go of the planned path ahead, and be still.  We must let go of our identity that once may have served us but which now acts as a constrictive cloak that we continue to force-fit ourselves into even though we have outgrown its contours.  The resulting pressure feeling like a water balloon being squeezed at one end makes us feel “off,” disconnected to our work, separate from ourselves and to what matters to us.

We must also wake up and pay attention, pay attention to everything we’ve given away in this quest that has taken us outside of ourselves, all the games we have played to make ourselves safe and untouched, as well as to our creative gifts that are longing for expression.  If we are feeling grief in our work or workplace, we don’t know what’s underneath that grief unless we fall into it.

Ultimately, we must settle into the silence amidst all the voices inside of us that drown out the call for real and meaningful change.  The ability for profound silence may lie dormant inside of us but it awaits our noticing ourselves, for we are lost and the only way we can know where we are is to be still, wait, listen, and heed what arises within us.   The glories of our future await us, but the path towards this greatness begins with the simple connection to what’s inside.  As the poem above says, Remember, the forest knows / Where you are.  You must let it find you. 

-Jeff Balesh, PCC