Honoring Thyself and The Great Resignation
The Big Question:
Are we now waking up and choosing to make decisions about our jobs and careers that finally honor ourselves first before anything else?
According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 4 million Americans quit their jobs in July 2021 and a series high of 10.9 million jobs were open at the end of that month. This has been termed by Professor Anthony Klotz as The Great Resignation. While there are certainly many potential explanations to explain this phenomenon, given what I have noticed in coaching several clients over the past 18 months, my belief is that there is a deeper root cause at play, and that has to do with people finally waking up to the fact that they have lost connection to themselves and what is truly important to them. The COVID-19 pandemic has given us an opportunity to become aware of this loss of connection by providing the space to examine what is truly important in our lives and to make choices according to the paradigm based on these truths rather than on one chosen by an employer, a partner, or some other outside entity affecting our life.
If my belief has any truth to it, then it stands to reason that many of those who have chosen a different career direction have done so in order to regain a deeper connection to self. As with any issue like this one, it is imperative we understand why this issue exists in the first place in order to consciously avoid repeating the pattern in the future. This is of course a deep issue with many tentacles to explore. But one that I have found particularly prevalent in several of my coaching clients recently is that of choosing to honor ourselves first in the decisions we make in our lives.
This is essential work for all of us, but especially for leaders who are driven to serve those they lead in order to build high performing teams and organizations. As one of my clients said to me recently in relation to her pursuit of self-mastery as she develops her leadership capability: “Half of all my relationships is me,” so working on knowing what is important to her and then honoring that is of the utmost importance if she is to improve her ability to work with and lead others.
I offer a couple of simple examples to illustrate this pattern, one personal and one professional:
You are the kind of person who tends to be open to whatever restaurant your friends choose, making no particular desires known, only that you are okay with what the rest of the group chooses. At some point, you become aware of the fact that the group never chooses a great Indian restaurant you would love to go to and you start to blame yourself for not standing up and advocating for your desire, and a feeling of resentment causes you to decline the next opportunity to go out to eat.
At work, you want to be the best team player possible and to show you are “all in” in terms of working towards the noble vision that guides the work. It is typical for your boss to ask you to take on an additional responsibility to have you and your team work a bit harder to accomplish. You keep saying “yes” to demonstrate how committed you are to providing the leadership to achieve the desired goal. After the latest request you agreed to, a couple members of your team start to grouse about having poor balance between work and life, which causes you to start to pay attention to how you actually feel, and you become aware of a sense of physical and mental depletion.
The Pattern
This “losing track of one's needs in order to serve others” pattern is rooted in choices we make to forget who we are and what we stand for to instead please others. I realize this may be controversial to some and I don’t want this to be construed as advocacy for selfish behavior that is, at its root, not representative of deeper connection to self but rather borne out of fear and a sense of lack. While the behavior displayed may vastly differ, I believe the “losing oneself” pattern is the flip side to the selfishness coin in that they both represent a disconnection to self and the feeling of an underlying sense of lack.
In other words, when we choose to prioritize another first before honoring ourselves, we operate out of a core assumption that life is a zero sum game: If I honor myself first, it means I am cheating others out of the service they need from me. As a result, our actions, while potentially beneficial to others, can leave us feeling depleted. Thus, they are not filled with the essence of service that is truly generative and life affirming.
As such, the impact one one’s life when we please others is the same as when we selfishly prioritize ourselves: further disconnection to one’s core and a misalignment between one’s actions and what provides nourishment to the individual. Unfortunately, this pattern is likely harder to figure out given that the outward behavior is seen as noble and thus likely reinforced by others in ways that enhance the likelihood of similar choices being made in the future. It also can take a while for the impact to truly be felt by the individual practicing it.
What seems to occur, though, after engaging in this pattern for a long enough time is a nagging sense that all is not well, that we are missing out on something that is core to who we are, and, outwardly, whatever results we do gain seem to come with fleeting satisfaction rather than enduring contentment. Life will demonstrate this misalignment to us through emotions that may cause suffering, and, if we are really not paying close enough attention, through physical manifestations of dis-ease.
Our Work
The solution? Paying attention to the decisions we make and asking ourselves the question for any decision where we have skin in the game: In what way does this decision honor who I am at my core?
SO: At the end of each day, reflect upon the decisions you have made and ask yourself: In what ways did I truly honor myself in the choices I have made? In what ways did I not? With whatever consequential decisions I did make, how do they truly contribute to the betterment of all, including myself? Ultimately, we must get clear on whether the good of the whole is served if we do not honor ourselves first.
One note on this practice: Again, I believe one reason why this problem is so prevalent is that we are taught that focusing on self is inherently selfish and so we must work towards the benefit of others in all we do. We of course need to be connected to and work towards the greater benefit. However, and this is the key point, in order to be truly successful in working towards a larger good while realizing our full potential, WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES FIRST.
I put that in all caps because it is that important. Any outward act of giving, if not sourced from an internal love, is not going to have the impact it otherwise would have. Self-love is the root of all good in my estimation, and one place from which we can build our capacity for self-love is to ask ourselves each day, how did I honor myself in the choices I have made?
Jeff Balesh, PCC
Helping visionary leaders deliver impact by awakening to their power and being more present to their world
I would love to hear from you, especially (1) if you have chosen to honor yourself in a deeper way over the last year, or (2) if you do not agree with any part of this post. Any thoughtful perspective is much appreciated as I seek to deepen my practice in serving my clients to the fullest extent possible!